Fics about Az being confused as to his own backstory and Crow sweating
Quem’s sacrifice did restore the party’s heath, physically. So it was only all the more jarring to see each other hale and hearty and refreshed, after everything that had just happened. Sure, there was relief in not being vored by the Haggler any longer, but mentally, Crow was no closer to peace. Az was there. Az, and the Citadellian hotboi prince and whoever those two mages were, had come for him. There was angst in that, and pride, and fear. But Az was beside him, and that had to mean something. Crow and Quem had traded places literally, which left Crow right beside the paladin. There was a lot that could have been said, a lot that could have been felt. Above all, Crow simply wanted to collapse and sob on the ground until everything went away. And though he didn’t know it, Az felt the exact same way. But there was still too much to be done, and no time for words either. Time stopped when the brothers looked at each other. Blue met brown, and they’d known each other too long for words. There was every emotion in the world between those two sets of eyes. Fear, relief, horror, guilt, pride, exhaustion, triumph. All of this, against the order of their bodies and the chaos of the room. “Az.” Crow said simply. “Crow.” Az said in return. He made the smallest, coyest, little smile, and that meant the world to both of them. He gestured to the Haggler, and her turned phoenix. “Shall we?” Az was a busy man, these days. He had his mage companions to look after, a cherished corpse to deal with, a difficult conversation to have, travel plans to make. But throughout it all, Az wouldn’t let Crow out of his sight. Unconsciously or consciously, Az thwarted Crow’s attempts to slink out and avoid shame or fear, following him and calling him out on his tactics. There was no point in trying to hide- Az had gone into protection mode. But they didn’t actually get a chance to talk, until the ride home. Their carriage was small, and the air inside of it stiff, with two strangers and a coffin, so Crow left it. He found a perch above the (empty) drivers’ nook, and tried to let fresh air calm him. A few minutes later, he heard movement below. His brother’s voice sent a quick “Hullo” to Ceres, and then a dark hand appeared on Crow’s perch. Az hauled himself up, and Crow moved over obligingly, and they sat there, on top of the carriage, for a silent moment. “So.” Az said. “So.” Crow flinched. “What happened?” They met each other’s eyes. Az wasn’t a blade guardian, in that moment. He wasn’t a leader, or a father, or a soldier. He was just a boy, starving in the alleys, fed by terror and anticipation. He was just his brother’s brother, eager and afraid. So Crow told him. Quiet and a little ashamed, he told Az everything he could. His discovery of Ventakesh, the Haggler, his capture, his torture. The house name on Ventakesh’s lips and body. Crow knew what that name typically did to Az, but this was different. It was personal, and it was terrifying. “Did they come because of… her?” Crow’s breath escaped in what might have been a laugh. “I can only imagine so. Az, I…” Az was all concern, and it broke Crow. He continued. “I told them about you. About us being brothers.” There was shame there, but not for the reason Az thought. It was the truth, and it was a lie, and the lie of the truth was what endangered Az, all because Crow had been such a coward, for so long. He looked away. “I don’t blame you. They would have found out eventually.” “Would they?” Crow asked, very quietly, but there couldn’t be an answer. Crow’s brother had long ago learned that touch was not what Crow wanted, in times of need. He respected that- presence and visible care were enough. But the things Crow would have done, in that moment, for Az to put a hand on his shoulder, to embrace him, to reassure him that he was here, and he was forgiven. But Crow knew it would be untrue. “How did they find you?” Az asked. Safe ground. “Blood magic, I imagine. Once I was out of Citadel’s wards, they’d know how to find me.” Az nodded. Then, a long moment later, “Why you?” There was the heat, the fury in Az’s voice that Lang usually sparked. Crow looked at him with confusion. “Why not me?” Az said. “I’m far more… visible, than you are.” The words were a wound Az didn’t know he was inflicting. Crow retreated within himself. “I don’t know.” Crow said. “Maybe they couldn’t find you. You’ve changed a lot.” Az laughed, just a little. His hand was beside Crow, steadying him, and Crow resisted the sudden urge to take it. He stared at the trees, at the back of Ceres’ antlers. “They really did it, huh.” Az whispered, a minute later. “They really found us.” “Yeah.” Crow sighed, On that sentiment, at least, they could agree. “We weren’t lucky enough for them to forget us, I guess.” “Crow?” Crow knew what Az’s expression would be like, all fervor and love. He looked anyway. “We have to stay together.” Az said. “Until all this is over, we have got to have each other’s backs.” Crow knew what he meant, and what he was asking. He also knew how impossible, and how essential, it would be to give it. Love and shame and unwelcome need all swirled in Crow’s heart, dizzying. But he nodded, and took his brother’s hand, and said, “Yes.” ' ' (AN: I apologize in advance for how Zero sense all this will make, it’s incredibly self indulgent) ' ' There was one night, between the meeting and mission, where Az and Crow could have remained each other’s keepers. But there was too much going on, and Az was no longer the calming presence he usually was for Crow. The events of the interrogation chamber made that clear enough. Az went into his room (it was larger than Crow’s, so they’d been staying there), but Crow didn’t follow. Heired, who had seen the strange fire in Az’s eyes, looked anxiously between Crow and the door, unsure who to watch. Crow gestured him inward. “Go ahead.” he said. “I won’t go anywhere.” What was another lie, above the rest? “Az?” The general, half-undressing, turned. His eyes lit up, but there was still that strange fire in them. “Oh, Heired. Good to see ya.” Feeling like a broken record, Heired sat on Az’s bed and said, “How are you?” Az seemed to think about the question. He sat beside his partner. “How much do you know about where Crow and I came from?” “Oh.” Heired said, confused and bewildered by the scope of the question. “You’re bastards, right?” he said, and ignored Az’s little smirk. “From Occulus. But Lang killed your family, so you ran away.” Az nodded. “And now they’re back.” Heired blinked. “Yeah. I, uh, worried that was the case. You’d think they’d have given up.” Az shook his head slowly, suddenly a million miles away. Then, “Did you know we had a sister?” “A… what?” “A sister. Loret. Older than me and Crow.” Az had never said anything about this, even to Heired. He tried to keep his mouth from hanging open. “What happened to her?” “She was killed.” Az said, still focused on something eons away. “Lang caught her while we were coming here. She died protecting us.” “Az. I’m- I’m so sorry.” Az turned, unseeing. He nodded as a kind of acceptance, and turned away again. “And now one of Lang’s assassins is claiming to be Loret’s brother.” “But that would make you…” “Brothers, yes. But he seems to think we killed Loret.” “Huh.” Heired said, still processing. “Delusional?” “Or lied to.” Az said, and there was a strange warmth in his eyes. “Just because he might be your brother doesn’t mean you have to sympathize with him.” Heired warned. Az jolted gently back to earth. “Right.” “He is trying to kill you.” Heired reminded, with a soft smile. “He almost succeeded, with Crow.” Az muttered. Then he started, and looked around. “Where is Crow?” “Oh, he’s-” Heired went to the door, and peered out. Empty. “Heired, my love.” Az said, appearing behind him. “Where the FUCK is my brother?” Az found him, as he’d expected him to, on the roof of the garrison. Az was much bulkier than Crow, but had had too much experience with Crow’s bird tendencies to let some roofing panels get in his way. Crow helped him up the last steeple, and made room for him to sit. “So.” Az said, not unfriendly. “So.” Crow said, blank. “Wild that we’ve got another brother, huh?” Crow jerked from his emo reverie to look quizzically at Az. Comprehension reached his brain with a jolt, realizing what Az meant. And, inexplicably, he started laughing. It was warped, and desperate, and Crow couldn’t seem to make himself stop. Az joined, for a moment, and then as Crow doubled over his laughs morphed into something half-sob, and Az stopped. There were tears in Crow’s eyes, and even he wasn’t sure if they were from laughter or not, and despite decades of restraint Az took him, and held him, until there was silence. “Wild.” Crow said finally, into Az’s armor. Az looked into Crow’s eyes, and seemed marginally cheered by whatever he saw. He said, thoughtfully, “They must be lying to him, right?” “Ventakesh?” “Why else would he be coming after us?” Crow nodded slowly, finding his way down the path Az had taken. “Seems like something Lang would do.” Crow said, both because it sounded true and because it would make sense to Az. Az nodded emphatically. Then, as though the idea had just come to him. “They’ll kill him, eventually. Whether he finds us or not.” Crow saw the concern in Az’s face, and almost started another round of bitter laughter. Ventakesh, no longer Lang in Az’s eyes, now deserved sympathy. An unknowing evildoer, and all that. “Well, there’s not much we can do about that.” Crow said. “We could tell him the truth.” Still in Az’s arms, Crow had the sudden deserve to throw himself off the roof, just to be alone again. Instead, like a cold river of blood, the words came out of him. “Who knows what he’d do, if he found out?” (AN: mostly just establishing that this is a seperate fic, but also that I realized despite how much of this is about Loret, they never actually say her name once) Crow had not intended to be seen, for his trip to the House of Lords. But he should have known better. He knew Blossari would likely be being watched. So, as it was, Blossari had no idea Crow was there. Madurisis did, of course, but Crow had no fear of her lips ever loosening. He kept to the shadows not just while tending his brother’s father’s crops, and rented a room three streets down from the market district, under a false name. He figured he’d stay a couple days, then go back to the tower before Az ever had to find out. “Really thought you could escape me, huh?” Az. On the bed of this awful motel, smart enough to know to sit facing the window, not the door. Crow climbed out of it. Az brandished a single black feather- Crow’s hand went to the edge of his feathered cloak, evidently now one bare. “Careful where you roost, brother. Father didn’t notice it, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who would have.” Az tossed the feather to Crow, who lightning-fast caught it and tossed it out the window. For good measure, he took the whole cloak off, hanging it on the bed. “I had to keep moving.” Crow said. “And Lang wouldn’t dare strike at the House of Lords.” Az raised his eyebrows at this hovel of a room. “We aren’t exactly at court, are we?” Crow shrugged acceptance. Az patted the bed beside him, and he obeyed. “I figured you’d come to my rescue again if I needed it.” Crow teased. Az made an overdone frown at him. “I’m not mad, Crow. Just disappointed.” “Fuck off.” Crow jabbed at his side, but the subsequent wheeze was mostly a laugh. Crow fell backwards against the bed, hands behind his head. “How was your adventure?” “Fun. Got a nice sword.” That would be Red Reaper then, against Crow’s door, currently displaying what appeared to be an emoticon of vague disapproval. “No Lang?” “No Lang.” Az confirmed. “I assume the same for you?” “They sent a couple of assassins, but I got rid of ‘em quick enough.” Crow couldn’t tell if Az looked to see if he was kidding, but assumed he wouldn’t need to. “How are you?” Az asked. The words were typical of him; the tone was not. “I’m fine.” Crow replied, just the tiniest bit of a question mark at the end. “No, really.” Az pressed. “How are you?” Ah, so he wanted to talk. Crow sighed. “I’ll be honest with you, kid. The world’s about to go to war on about four different fronts, my brother met god and now has a death wish, I accidentally killed on of Citadel’s princes with my own stupidity, Lang’s back and going after the only person I love, and I’m trapped in a tower with a bunch of bloodthirsty hippies. But I’m alive, so all things considered, I’m fine.” “Lang’s after you, too.” Az corrected. “That’s what you’re going to go after, of all that?” Above him, Az shrugged. “Well, there was a lot to unpack there. But we’re busy men.” There was some fear obscured in Az’s voice, and it triggered something very big-brother in Crow. “How are you? Taking all this, I mean?” Az sighed, and scooted back to lean against the wall beside Crow. “It’s a confusing time, for sure. I’ll be back to usual eventually.” “Well, if you ever need anything…” “Genuine concern? From Crow Citadel?” Az joked. Crow punched his thigh. “Well shucks, if I figure out the person I need assassinated to make all this make sense, I’ll let you know.” “Thank you.” The sword on Crow’s door now read only ‘Az?’ in a somewhat concerned handwriting. Az didn’t seem to notice- he was staring distantly out the window. He had more to say; Crow waited. “Can I ask you some questions?” the general said finally. “You don’t have to answer. I know that night was even worse for you than it was for me but- maybe you saw more.” Ah. Az didn’t need to elaborate on what night- Crow knew. Az looked down at his brother tentatively, timidly. He kept his gaze steadily on the ceiling, and nodded. “War showed me a vision, you see, of… her. I think it was supposed to be a lesson, but I don’t… I don’t see why He would have lied.” Curiosity and fear wrestled in Crow’s throat, but the inevitable won out. “What happened?” “She fought back. I mean, I knew she did, but.” Az’s stare, which had moved to his hands, shifted briefly to Crow. “She was powerful, Crow. More powerful than I ever imagined.” So are you. Crow nodded, meeting Az’s eyes for the briefest moment. Then the general looked away. “And the whole time, she was disguised as you. They thought… they thought they were killing you. I didn’t… did you know that?” There was a whorl in the wood of the ceiling that looked like a face, and it leered at him. He was lost in his own deception. But if Az already knew a truth, there was no point in pretending not to. “Yes.” Crow said. He could feel Az’s body shift as he turned to look at him. Crow couldn’t look back. “Why?” he hissed. “They were after all of us- why did she think they’d stop after just you?” Why, indeed? “I don’t know. I never understood it myself.” “Why didn’t you tell me?” Crow’s heart caught in his throat- the face above had disappeared. He breathed, and made himself look at Az, who was reassuringly more confused than angry. “You were so young.” Crow said softly. “And I was so lost. I didn’t want to confuse you.” Az blinked a couple times, then nodded and turned away. Crow’s urge to flee had lessened, but not disappeared. Then, “She really loved you, you know that?” It was the worst thing to say; the tragedy, the guilt, hit him like a train. His heart threatened to strangle him in his throat. Lucky that it was Az who had this vision; Crow was certain that if he ever saw Loret’s face again, the gentleness and passion in her gray eyes, he would die right on the spot. “She loved you too.” he managed to say. “I know.” Az said, and there might have been reassurance in his eyes- it was hard to tell past the burgeoning tears. “But War showed me the scene from inside her head, and the way she felt when she looked at you… That’s a rare kind of love to find.” Frantically, Crow pulled his hood up. It wouldn’t hide the tears from Az’s knowledge, but at least he wouldn’t see them.A moment later, Az’s hand came to rest on Crow’s, a soft act of support. Part of Crow wanted to clutch it, but it was vastly overshadowed by the part of him that wanted to die. Az’s voice was the softest of breeze’s when it sounded again. “She told you to protect me.” And, when Crow involuntarily curled up at the sound of it, Az took the initiative to take Crow’s hand, and calm him. “You did well.” Crow took a long breath, and the exhale was halfway between laugh and sob. Good enough. “...Thank you.” Slowly, Crow sat up. He pulled the hood back, wiped the salt from his eyes. Az, still in proud possession of Crow’s hand, smiled softly. “I love you, Az.” Crow said. “You know that, right?” “I know.” Az said. “Back at ‘cha, of course.” That was what astounded Crow the most, really. Az was a wonderful man, despite Crow’s influence, and had the eye and heart of everyone around him. The fact that he deigned to spend any time around him, the one person who’d been the cause of all his suffering… Crow didn’t deserve an ounce of it. “There was something else.” Az said. “Hmm?” “While I was in her head, she had this thought. She said that you were the last of your bloodline, but that even if she died, there’d still be me. Does that mean anything to you?” Crow’s blood went cold, freezing his words before they could form. “The only thing I can think of is that I was legitimate, and she never told me. And that you were… something else.” In all Crow’s nightmares, this scene had gone down with a lot more anger. But Az would believe that Loret was both his sister and Occulus, until the day he died. That was what was saving Crow; and what was killing him, too. “Do you know much about your parents?” Az asked. “Their names.” Crow said slowly. “And that they were Occulus.” “Both of them?” “Well.” he said, remembering. “At least one of them.” Oblivious, Az shrugged. “I thought maybe you were a cross-noble, from another house, or something. But I don’t know why she’d know that when you didn’t. You didn’t, right?” The scene was calmer, now. If Crow revealed the iron in his blood, it would be a tell against the air of the room. “I never heard anything about it. Or about you being legitimate. But I was, uh, pretty young when we ran away.” Even twelve was plenty old to understand the whole of it; even thirty-eight was plenty young to be terrified by the consequences of it all. But Crow had made his choice, decades ago, and against all good judgement he’d passed the point of going back on it. He’d focus on the curiosity of watching Az’s conclusions, and not on the terror. “Funny if it turns out none of us were bastards.” Az was smirking. That coming from the one of the trio who actually was. “You’ll always be a bastard to me.” Az elbowed him, but Crow knew to expect it and mostly dodged. Shaking his head, Az returned to his gaze out the window. “I can’t decide if I wish War had shown me less, or more.” he said. “It was awful, of course, and I get enough of it during the dreaming hours. But to see it all, and from her perspective… She knew a lot more than us, for sure.” Crow often liked to pretend that was true. “I just wish she would have told us.” Az lamented. “I know I was young, but you, at least, deserved to know whatever was going on. I suppose she was trying to protect us.” “She always was too noble for her own good.” Crow said. Not intentionally in self-defense. Az sighed. “I wish I’d gotten to know her better.” “She was wonderful.” Crow said. “The best woman I ever knew.” Az, the best man. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Az’s expression go from ocean to fire, then settle somewhere near embers. “War was trying to help me move on, I think. Maybe I should. But it’s hard when they’re still after our throats.” “And invoking her name, no less.” Crow added. Provoking Az’s violent streak was a defense mechanism, at this point. “Well. Then He’ll have to forgive a bit of vengeance for that, at least.” “I’m sure.” Az looked up at Crow, and there was a strange admiration there. “How’d you do it? Move on. You’ve always been so calm.” Crow raised his eyebrows- Az gestured. “Well, calmer than me, at least.” “Then my deception’s working well.” Crow said, wryly. “I’ve never moved on.” Az laughed. “No, I suppose we never did.” An Addition: “It’s just. There was this thing, at one of Occulus’s stalls at the rotunda. Some minor blood magic trick that could show you your ancestry. I thought about doing it for myself, but then I thought it might actually be more useful for you.” Neither option was great, but the latter was a little more workable. Either way, Crow had frozen in his place- just when he’d thought they’d been leaving the danger zone. No matter what Az saw, he wouldn’t have liked it. “What did it say?” Crow flinched. “Oh, I didn’t buy it.” Az said, and oh, god, perhaps the gatekeepers could still be kind to him. “I, uh, ran out of funds.” Az was fingering a new ring; wait, no, make that four new rings. Once again, hedonism saved the day. “But I’m sure I could get it for you if you wanted!” Az was quick to add. “I know I’d be curious as to the results.” “Don’t do it.” Crow said, and it took all his efforts to avoid sounding desperate. “I, uh, don’t want to know.” “Really?” Crow sat, cross-legged, and made himself look at his brother. “It’s just. I like where we are now. Whatever ties we have to Occulus, or- any other house, I don’t think they really matter. We’re Citadellion now. We’ve got each other. That’s what matters.” The adoration in Az’s eyes was nostalgic, and awful. “... You’re right. You’re so right.” Perhaps he was. Perhaps there was truth behind the manipulation. Crow certainly wanted to believe it. But who knows how well it would hold up, in the face of the truth. ' ' Bonus addition Az: also, I brought a dossier on our other brother Ventakesh. Crow: Just does this out the window